Being Out of Control

This past few days, God is really showing Himself to me. And like Jacob in this article, I am now in my weaker state. You see, I know that for Jacob it is his physical strength but for me it is my finances. I am strong when I have, I am weak when I have none. And now, He is showing Himself to me, and wants my dependence and surrender. When it comes to finances, it is very hard for me to ask for help. It is better for me to “utang” than ask someone to help me out. I was raised that way. I am not a good receiver. When someone give me something I try to my best of ability to give something back. God is showing me to change that. There are times that people want to be blessed that is why they are helping me. And I wouldn’t allow it. God is asking me to ask for help, for His help most especially in this area of my life. It has been a great struggle for me most especially with finances. This is one area that I find it hard to obey Him (tithing anyone?). And this article has really touched me today. As God touched my “hip bone” and destroyed my control.

Jacob’s Defining Moment
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2 by Os Hillman
Wednesday, June 09 2010

“So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared’” (Gen 32:30).

Every believer in Jesus Christ must have a defining moment in their lives. Jacob is about to meet his brother Esau in the desert after years of separation. The last time he saw him was when he manipulated the birthright from him years ago. He assumes Esau is going to try to kill him. He sends gifts ahead as a peace offering. And he spends a restless night in prayer asking God to spare his and his family’s life.

Jacob has lived a life of control and manipulation. Yet, there is something in Jacob God finds worthy of redemption. He has a heart that genuinely wants to serve and be used of God. But God must do something in him to chisel away the bad traits in his life.

He sends an angel in the form of a man to wrestle away the striving in Jacob. The only way to remove the striving in Jacob is to injure his physical abilities. “When the angel saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man’” (Gen 32:25-26). Jacob’s natural abilities were so great that God literally had to make Jacob a weaker man physically in order for God’s power to be manifested in his life. When this happened a turning point took place in Jacob. A new nature was birthed in him that required a total trust in God. His name was changed in recognition of this defining moment. “Then the man said, ‘Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome’” (Gen 32:28).

My friend Bob Mumford once said, “Beware of any Christian leader who does not walk with a limp.” If a leader has not wrestled with God over their natural abilities and come to a place of total dependence on God, that leader will live a life of striving and manipulation.

Let go and let God do the work needed in you. When this happens even your enemies will be a peace with you.

Surrender

Had a great conversation with God. I know that I have estranged Him and put Him behind me. I know that I know I believe Him yet I put him in the backstage of my life. Calling Him only when I need Him. Praying to Him only when able, which means that only when I need something from Him. It is easy to spend time with someone if you like something from him, ayt? And that was how I treated Him this past few months. Backstage.

I have had enough. I am a rotten person inside. Although a lot of people see that I am a happy, bubbly person, I have an empty heart. Yes, I do love, but I cannot love fully, because my heart is empty. How can an empty heart ever love somebody enough. My marriage in near- perfect. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, and I am very grateful for him. Yet, you know how the Ten Commandments work right? The First Commandment says, “Love God above all” and if you don’t do that, your life will never be in order to follow all the other 9. I say that because I know. I have struggled, won and struggled again in my entire Christian life just because I haven’t fully surrendered. I always though about myself. I have been a Christian for what, 6 years — yet if a graph will be used to look at my state of “Christian-ness”, it will be a never-ending up, down cycle. One time I will be on fire to love the Lord, and sometime I will forget all about Him. It is difficult for us to admit that we are rotten, that our life is a blur. But when the day comes that you have to face God (even metaphorically), you will just be crying your heart out because you know that in front of Him you are a disobedient, foolish, hypocrite, rebellious daughter of the Father. And that is what happened just 10 minutes ago.

I had been listening to Chris Tomlin’s album, and I heard about the song “The Way I Was Made”. It was a pretty fast song but it made me cry. Because I realized that I am that person. Here’s the lyrics so you can relate. :

Caught in the half-light, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tied up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

I am caught in the half-light, alone. Yup. I am a married woman who do not know her purpose. I wake up do some things, go to sleep and that is it. Nothing really productive. I sometimes feel that I want to exchange my life to the life of some people, who are rich, beautiful and mother (yes, I am so frustrated that I don’t have a baby yet). But 10 minutes ago, I realized that I cannot exchange the life I have right now to someone else. I prayed. And God told me to trade my life to the life that He wanted and want me to have. Trade my plans, trade my vices, trade my attitude, trade my broken life, trade myself for what He want me to be. He loves me so much He can’t let go of me. He can’t let some worldly situation wreck me. I know that I am precious to Him. So, I obeyed. I prayed to trade my life in exchange for the life that He wants me to have. If He doesn’t want me to be a mother then so be it, if He wants me to be a call center agent forever then so be it. It might not be what I want, but I felt in my heart that I need to surrender my likes and dislikes and obey Him. I should stop thinking of the outcome of my obedience I just have to obey. I told Him I can’t keep destroying myself, I need someone to repair me. Repair everything about me. I can’t look around every time and compare my life with someone else. I can’t keep on checking out others blessing and pray that they will be mine too.

Upon praying that prayer of surrender, God assured me that I am so precious to Him to ever let this pain remain in my heart. I am too precious to not be a mother. I am just too precious for Him. And it is like He is saying that ” I have been waiting for you to say that to me, that is all I need to hear”. I am so excited to fulfill God’s dreams for me. Oh Father you are really indescribable. You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same. Oh Amazing God!