Napapansin ko….

…nakakapag-post lang ako kapag masama ang loob ko….

And yes, grabe, and I know blogging somehow ease it. The thought that I am like talking to you and sort of prayer na rin.

God demands the totality of your being. That you invest all of yourSelf into celebrating the glory and the preciousness of being alive right now, no holding back and saving for later.

That came from an application in Facebook and yes it somehow, shot right through me. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Funny, this morning, well, my husband and I had an argument and yes it is the argument that most couples go through. MONEY! Priorities and other stuff. But of course, I didn’t really shout or anything, I am really afraid of him to do that. But you know, my heart was really crying.

Arggghhhh… Basta. Yun. Then after he went to work I prayed to God,” ano po ba gagawin ko? Should I look for a job? Bakit naman ang tagal ng blessings?” Hahaha….That’s just a rebellious daughter speaking to her Father.

Then, after that, Ate, my sister-in-law, got into some argument with my brother-in-law and yes, it was about money. Then I was kinda thinking “See? Lord? everybody here is having the same problem!”

And then she approached me (I was folding our clothes then and the door was open), she said ” Bakit kasi hindi pa sagutin na lang ni Lord ang lahat ng dasal natin eh no… Hindi naman sa pag-aano (she said this as a disclaimer kasi Christian din siya)… Eh kaya lang sana wala na ganitong problema!”

I said, ” well, He can’t answer all of our prayers because He needs to look into our hearts first. May nabasa akong book (Breakthrough Prayer by Pastor Jim Cymbala) sabi we need to clean our lives or at least attempt to para i-answer yung prayer natin. Like, yan yung sa 5-6, diyan pa lang wala na yung faith niyan e…Kasi if He is going to answer all our prayers and we’re doing things na una pa lang ipinagbawal niya eh, it’s like He is supporting our lifestyle di ba?”

Then she said, ” eh di yun nga dapat na lang magpadala siya ng blessing para wala ng bumbay! Kahit ilang libro naman basahin ko tungkol sa prayer wala rin kasi wala naman…”

I said (in a defeated tone), ” eh dun nga makikita yung faith e, minsan He is asking for our obedience first before He gives the blessing. Paano naman kung i-bless niya tayo with what we want e, hindi naman ready heart natin. Baka lalo lang tayo mapalayo sa kaniya” At this point, God was impressing to me, “There is your answer, ikaw na ang sumagot!”

Hahaha… You are truly my Father! Biruin mo..Hahaha…Minsan talaga ang tao no, alam naman ang sagot sa tanong eh nagtatanong pa!

Ah, then I prayed after that. Repented for every sin I know of. Then I asked Him what should I do na. Wahahaha…My husband texted ” Wag na muna.” (About the new work na papasukin ko sana). Okay, Wives submit to your husband.

A Noble Purpose

This morning I was reading my Bible before I went out to do the stuff that I do (work?). I follow VCF’s Bible Study guide and today being October 21st, I read 2 Timothy 2 and 2 Timothy 1(which I failed to read yesterday,sorry Lord!). What caught my attention was this verse in chapter 1 verse 7:

” … for God did not give us the spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline”

And being the person that I am, I focused on the spirit of power. I immediately put in my journal:

” YEAH, God gave me the spirit of power. It means I can do everything in God who strengthens me. Rock on!”

But God told me to wait… and read on. I did…And then I read chapter 2 verse 19:

” Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.”

And chapter 2 verses 15 and 16:

“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. 16Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly”

It is amazing how God detailed in the Bible how he want things to happen and what He is giving us to help us make the thing happen. Now, reading the entire chapter I knew why God told me to read on and not to just look at what I want to look at.

In the latter part of 2 Timothy 2, we are being taught to clean ourselves so we can be used for God’s noble purpose. How do we do that? He gave us the spirit of SELF-DISCIPLINE. Wow! Noticed how the word loops to where it started? Amazing. God’s message for me today is (as written in my journal):

“ He gave me the all the power I can use to keep His commands and serve Him, not for my own use or not for the satisfaction of men.I am given the spirit of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-DISCIPLINE, to make a difference, to be different, to help out, to share what I have and to turn away from wickeness so He can use me for His noble purpose.”

Lord, I pray that I will be able to turn away from wickedness. I pray that now, I will be able to prepare myself to be used for your noble purpose. Refine me. Purify me. Thank you for giving me the power of SELF-DISCIPLINE and I pray that I CAN USE THAT now to change my heart and my desires so that I can focus solely on serving You. I pray in Jesus Name. Amen.

Rabbles

Yesterday, we attended church. It was the last installment of the series, “LOST”. This is not to talk about that though, since Pastor Sonny already tackled that yesterday. Hehehe…

It was my first day ( for the nth time) of discussing One2One with a small group leader, her name is Glo. It was great having been attending church for a long time after I “backslid”, I never joined small group until yesterday. There, I was given a Bible calendar to have a guide to my Bible -reading.

This morning, I read about Numbers 10-11, and was touched deeply. This talks about how the Israelites trusted and obeyed God in the beginning but complained and ranted to Him in the end. Numbers 10 talks about how God commanded Moses to tell Israelites to like follow the cloud. Everytime the cloud lifts and leaves the Israelites follow and as soon as the cloud rests, they camp in that place. They obeyed God, they follow the cloud, camp where the cloud rests even if it takes a month, a year or even decade before the cloud will lift again. It was good obedience , but later in chapter 11, they started to complain about not having meat as food. They said they were so tired of eating manna, they complained about the provision that was given to them by God! So God gave them what they ask for. He gave quails so many that they have ebough of it for a month. He gave the people a lot of meat they hated it in the end. Because that is what God wants them to feel, He became mad that ” while the meat was still between their teeth and before it could be consumed, the anger of the LORD burned against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague” (verse 33). To relate that in the present time here are some points I derived from it, based on my own experience:

1. We obey God at the start- especially when provisions are new. We just had our new car, new house and our business is picking up great.

2. Then we start to complain – when our neighbor gets the newest car model and the likes. When we feel that we’re getting less. Like how they complain about the manns, we want more, we want “meat”, more money, greater job, newest car, a mansion. That we tend to forget that God is the provider, that we have to make all the things that we have prosper first and that God certainly knows what to do.

He wants the best for us, of course. But we also have to show obedience first and be thankful on what we have first and then if He sees we can be trsted with greater things then He will give us His best. Sadly, I am like that, I keep on complaining about my job now, I want something new, I want a business. I forgot that God provided this for me and this is where He puts me. I just pray I can change my state of mind.

“God, give me a thankful and patient heart. Help me stop complaining and help me learn to trust you fully. Amen.”

post also in my Multiply site.

Am I wrong?

This is another ranting. If someone from my family read this then all the better.

Two days ago, my sister texted me, she said that my Dad and stepmom fought that night because of me. I am not doing anything to them, I am not even going there anymore. Well, it all started when my aunt texted my stepmom to ask when are we moving out from the crib we’re living in right now, which is my grandma’s. Then, I don’t know if who is saying the truth but I guess I just have to put it this way “nangulit” daw si tita. Then, my stepmom, being the naturally selfish character that she is ( please walang kontra! read my previous post and kung uso na itong blog when I was 6 years old baka meron din blog siya dito) she told my dad that I/ we could not take a large portion of the house they live in. You see, my grandma wants us (my sis and me) to take half of the house and she is insisting that that is our share. My stepmom, argued with my dad about it, she does not want us to live there. Well, sorry but the feeling is mutual. But I guess, the point is, why are they picking on me? I am not the one who made that decision and ALL OF US does not have any rights to claim any of my lola’s property because it is hers. If it is my dad reacting that way, I guess it will be fine, but it was her! Argggghhhh…

Then, being the matapang person that I am, I texted my aunt and my stepmom. Asking them to stop it, because I am not after material wealth. Honestly, now I am thinking of investing in heaven. I want to be with God when I live this temporary residence. And I know I couldn’t bring the land titles and the monies to heaven. So they can suck it in their bags, (pakitagalog lang bags is baga). Hehehe…

It just so hurt me, because I keep on forgiving her. I never ever did her any wrong even if she is so rude to me. Then even if she is just being plastic to a lot people I never did spilled it out because I don’t want my family to fight. My husband told me tuloy that because of covering up for members of my family, ako yung naaapektuhan, ako ang masama.

Well, I told my sister nga, it doesn’t matter whether they approve of me or not as long as I am not doing wrong in God’s sight then I don’t care. I am not for the world.

Do not conform to the patterns of this world…

Pains

These past few days I’ve been writing about the sadness of my heart. These past few weeks has been a hell lot painful, but still I have so much to be thankful of. I’ve learned a lot of lessons and I’ve known the people around me.

See, I’ve been jobless for weeks now. There has been a conflict with my grandma and the electricity got disconnected. Talk about when it rains it pours. But those are nothing compared to what I felt last night. You see, we have no electricity last night so I called my dad to ask if we could stay there just for the night. Then my sister said my dad agreed. We went there, with a bag with clothes. Then my sister went out the house and told me we can’t sleep there because my dad and my stepmom fought because apparently my stepmom did not agree that we sleep there. O come on! I can’t help but cry. Imagine, I am just ASKING for HELP! Just for a night. Then we decided to just go to my hubby’s house and travel from Laguna to Rizal at 10 pm.

Okay. So we were there. I was so happy with them. I envy my husband for having a very supportive family and a very loving one at that. Imagine, we’re more well off than them but still his family still finds a way to help us and even other people, even if they don’t have much resources. Argghh.. And my family, with all the wealth and capabilities that they have still manages to be so selfish. Poor me. But I am just praying for them.

Lessons learned: Money will not make us happy. Then, I am only good to some people when I ahve money. The world sucks! I am lucky that I am not for the world, only for God.

Two ears and One Mouth

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak…

Maybe I am this type of person.

Before, I am the talker. Talk about myself, what I believe in and what my problems are. But as I mature, I learned more to be on the listener side. It saddens me to know that I have offended a lot of people in my past because of the words I said and my being overly tactless. Imagine, whenever I read my high schoolmates friendsters, I want to cry because they are saying they were hurt during highschool they felt outcast and shamed and I know I am somehow a part of it. And now as I’ve come to realize it I want to say sorry for them. Now I realized that there are lot of people with problems greater than mine and talents greater than mine. (I want to thank my man for this because he taught me to shut up and listen).

My problem now is that, I overly became serious. I have stage fright now (I only had this now!!!). I can’t crack jokes anymore. Maybe I have changed a lot eversince my civil status changed.

But I love myself now, being able to talk to my Creator more than before because I rarely talk to anyone even at work. But maybe I still need a part of my old self.

Can I have two ears and two mouths? (hehehe not literally ha!)

Brother…

One night, something happened which deeply affected my relationship with my family and made my days more terrible.

You see I love my brother and my sisters. I make sure I look after them because I know I couldn’t count on somebody to do that to them. Maybe I am the more outspoken person in our family and I am the only one who could speak to them regarding growing up and obeying without really scolding. You know, I am not the type of person who easily gets mad or do shouting matches. When I am hurt I just tend to cry, not talk because talking will cause m,e to cry even more. I can say I am a very sensistive person. More so when it deals with my siblings.

That night, someone texted my little brother in his mom’s phone. I read it, with good intentions, to know his interests and to make sure he knows that I am always here for him. Then, unconsciously I deleted it. NO! I didn’t intend to I am just used to deleting messages after I read them when I borrowed my sister’s phone. What he did shocked me, he shouted at me saying ” Parang t**** naman o! ” , then he kicked the wooden wall. I was strucked. I know that my brother is now very hard-headed and I do understand why, it is because of what he is seeing as a child and how he is being treated. But I never thought that he would do that to me! 10 year older than him! I felt so much pain. I couldn’t believe it, for all I know I always make it a point to understand them, much more give them what they want. So hurt, I said I’l just go home. But then his mom confronted me and I just blew my top! I talked to her as calmly as I could but I guess it sounded like I was shouting because she was! And the tears keep rolling down my cheeks! I couldn’t contain it and the only thing I managed to say was ” Masakit yun….”

I was very disappointed. I thought my relationship with him was perfect, reality sometimes sucks. He is changing, not for the good unfortunately. But I am still not losing hope. I love him of course, and I care for him and I just wouldn’t just let evil get him. I know in God’s grace, he will change. Slowly, but surely.

And my brother if you’re reading this, don’t worry I forgive you and I wil continue to pray for you. I love you so much.

(Lats night, I texted my friend, Ibiang, a small group leader from church to look for a small group for my bro and she did. Thanks sis! You know this really means a lot to me. )

How I feel…

This is very painful. I’m hurting and God is the only One who knows how much I am hurting. It is so painful that my family doesnt stop from hurling bad words to each other. Well, I mean it is my grandma who does it. Just a few days ago, she told me that my aunt is stealing her money and then when it was my aunt she was talking to I am the one who stole it. Grrrr…I just wonder, when will this ever stop.

Yesterday, I was praying and I couldn’t stop crying. I just have to cry because my heart is really really sad. I just pray that my family will have healing, that my grandma will stop creating those schemes, that we will just love each other unconditionally and most of all, that we will just be a family. I know God heard me last night and I know He will save my family. Only He can heal our pains. All the envy, greed and selfishness will be gone in God’s time. I truly care and love my family so please pray for me as well.

Couples for Christ issue

Just read the news about Couples for Christ. As a former leader of Youth for Christ, I felt I should voice out my feelings regarding this.

I’m just disappointed to know that the division is happening even in the National sector of the organization. I thought this only happens in our unit, cluster and province, I never thought this will happen with the “authorities” ( click http://www.newsbreak.com.ph/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3632&Itemid=88889051) .

Being a born again Christian now I think I am seeing what is wrong with the CFC, SFC and YFC. The power of prayer is gone. The essence of Christianity is gone. I believe that the organization needs to get back to the basic of it, JESUS CHRIST. Stop being slaves to commercialism. I mean it is good that Gawad Kalinga is working to help a lot of people, but I think that it is being too social now. I know that you want to get as much as believers and as much followers as you can but please do not get them for your benefit but for the glory of God.

The reason why Christ founded the church is to evangelize, to help in people’s salvation. I remember when I was in YFC, we ask people to joing youth camp and I remember we convince them by saying ” maganda dun, masaya…maraming outing…you could play in the band and you can get to International Leader’s Conference and be famous…” Sad, but true, none of us even tried to convinced them by talking about God’s love and salvation. I think we should get back to focus on God. Since He is the reason why we are here. To teach people to pray, we must pray, to teach people to follow, we must follow.

Stop novelties. I mean, stop conforming to the world to get members. Stick to the scriptures and stick to the real reason why we’re called “…..for Christ”. Be for Christ.

Really Saved By Grace

While reading my Bible, I chanced upon the a story and it really creep me. It was about how God will destroy Israel because of their sins. I read that in the morning and then when I opened it in the evening I was in the same story. It was quite an omen to me at the time. I know that I am continuing as a sinner and it really feared me that God’s wrath will be upon me. I was crying and asking for God’s forgiveness.

Then the next day I prayed hard for something that I need. And as was promised I got it. Hehehe… Ewan may sense ba pa sinasabi ko? I guess the sense is I knew God still loves me inspite of it all.