Saved by Grace

Give to Receive!

Surrender

Had a great conversation with God. I know that I have estranged Him and put Him behind me. I know that I know I believe Him yet I put him in the backstage of my life. Calling Him only when I need Him. Praying to Him only when able, which means that only when I need something from Him. It is easy to spend time with someone if you like something from him, ayt? And that was how I treated Him this past few months. Backstage.

I have had enough. I am a rotten person inside. Although a lot of people see that I am a happy, bubbly person, I have an empty heart. Yes, I do love, but I cannot love fully, because my heart is empty. How can an empty heart ever love somebody enough. My marriage in near- perfect. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, and I am very grateful for him. Yet, you know how the Ten Commandments work right? The First Commandment says, “Love God above all” and if you don’t do that, your life will never be in order to follow all the other 9. I say that because I know. I have struggled, won and struggled again in my entire Christian life just because I haven’t fully surrendered. I always though about myself. I have been a Christian for what, 6 years — yet if a graph will be used to look at my state of “Christian-ness”, it will be a never-ending up, down cycle. One time I will be on fire to love the Lord, and sometime I will forget all about Him. It is difficult for us to admit that we are rotten, that our life is a blur. But when the day comes that you have to face God (even metaphorically), you will just be crying your heart out because you know that in front of Him you are a disobedient, foolish, hypocrite, rebellious daughter of the Father. And that is what happened just 10 minutes ago.

I had been listening to Chris Tomlin’s album, and I heard about the song “The Way I Was Made”. It was a pretty fast song but it made me cry. Because I realized that I am that person. Here’s the lyrics so you can relate. :

Caught in the half-light, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tied up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

I am caught in the half-light, alone. Yup. I am a married woman who do not know her purpose. I wake up do some things, go to sleep and that is it. Nothing really productive. I sometimes feel that I want to exchange my life to the life of some people, who are rich, beautiful and mother (yes, I am so frustrated that I don’t have a baby yet). But 10 minutes ago, I realized that I cannot exchange the life I have right now to someone else. I prayed. And God told me to trade my life to the life that He wanted and want me to have. Trade my plans, trade my vices, trade my attitude, trade my broken life, trade myself for what He want me to be. He loves me so much He can’t let go of me. He can’t let some worldly situation wreck me. I know that I am precious to Him. So, I obeyed. I prayed to trade my life in exchange for the life that He wants me to have. If He doesn’t want me to be a mother then so be it, if He wants me to be a call center agent forever then so be it. It might not be what I want, but I felt in my heart that I need to surrender my likes and dislikes and obey Him. I should stop thinking of the outcome of my obedience I just have to obey. I told Him I can’t keep destroying myself, I need someone to repair me. Repair everything about me. I can’t look around every time and compare my life with someone else. I can’t keep on checking out others blessing and pray that they will be mine too.

Upon praying that prayer of surrender, God assured me that I am so precious to Him to ever let this pain remain in my heart. I am too precious to not be a mother. I am just too precious for Him. And it is like He is saying that ” I have been waiting for you to say that to me, that is all I need to hear”. I am so excited to fulfill God’s dreams for me. Oh Father you are really indescribable. You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same. Oh Amazing God!

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Of Disappointments…

Today, I am very much unhappy. This past few days a lot of things happened that went against my plans and expectations. I became so disappointed with people, of circumstances and of myself. See, I am really trying hard to change my life for the better but people are trying to destroy me. They say I couldn’t change and I am and will always be the same person I was. What to do when that happens? Believe me I am trying very hard to reverse that belief that people impose upon me.

I think that everything is up to what I believe I am not what people think I am. Also, I would like to think that I have an audience of One and that God already forgave me and gave me chance to change. I resolve to make sure that I only depend on my Heavenly Father and disregard people’s notion of me. I resolve to stop defending myself, saying bad things about people in the process. Like what God charged me at the start of this year, I should be a living testimony of His love.

Then I also thought of the disappointment that I am giving Him. The things I did and still doing and I realized that I have caused Him so much grief. And I realized that I need to depend on Him even more because if He has forgiven me many times, I can be assured that He won’t disappoint me, He will still love me and care for me.

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Pamahiin…


Nung mamatay ang bayaw ng lola ko, I went to the burol naturally. Then, siyempre, because I am still childless after years of marriage, natural ang pangigigil ko sa bata. Nakatuwaan ko yung anak ng pinsan ko na baby girl. Sabi nang Tita ko na may buhat sa kaniya, “Oi, rissa lawayan mo.” Sabi ko, ayoko nga di naman yun totoo eh. All the while looking at my sister who is also a Christian. Tapos umalis ako at pumasok sa loob ng bahay kung san nandon si Lolo. Mula nung kinatuwaan ko yung bata, eh hindi na tumigil ng iyak. So, tinawag ako ng tita ko, “sabi ko sayo lawayan mo eh, yan nabalis.” Ako naman ayoko pa rin. Pero sabi ng kapatid ko, “lawayan mo na ‘te, hindi kasi Christian yung bata eh.” Yun, sige defeated nilawayan ko and I prayed silently. Tapos tumigil na ng iyak yung bata.

Hmmmm…pamahiin, balis. Ano nga ba ang totoo? Sabi ng kaibigan ko wala namang mawawala kung maniwala, sabi ko, meron, ang tiwala mo kay God. Pero pano nga yung ganung sitwasyon no?

Naalala ko tuloy, yung panganay na kapatid ng asawa ko ay namatay nung sanggol pa, sabi ng biyenan ko e dahil daw sa balis din. Kasi daw may bumating 2 babae mga 4pm, tas simula non suka ng suka. Pero nung ipatinging sa doktor wala naman daw sakit. Tas pinahanap nila yung 2 babae para malawayan. Pero siyempre wala na sila. Ayun 4pm the next day nawala na rin ang bata.

Ano -ano pa bang pamahiin ang alam natin, ay ano-ano ang ibig sabihin. Ano bang pamahiin ang kinatatakutan ng ilan?

ITIM NA PUSA – sabi nila pag nakasalubong ka ng itim na pusa, bumalik ka na lang sa bahay mo dahil may mangyayaring masama sa yo sa daan. Malas daw ang itim na pusa. Eh paano kung tumama ka sa lotto at kukunin mo na ang pera eh may nasalubong kang itim na pusa, hindi ka na tutuloy para sa pera?

PULANG HUGIS UNAN, SINULID SA NOO at BLACK AND RED BEADED BRACELET para sa bata- kontra usog daw. At ang sinulid sa noo eh para mawala ang sinok. Paano kung kunin ng bata ang sinulid sa noo at kainin?

SUKOB- controversial to samin ngayon. Pag sa isang pamilya daw eh may kinasal ng sabay sa loob ng isang taon eh, mamalasin daw o magpapligsahan ang dalawang mag-asawa na ikinasal sa taong yun. Dapat kasi nung 2008, nung kinasal kami, naisip din ng kuya ng asawa ko magpakasal sila late that year. Ayaw ng biyenan ko. Magpapligsahan daw kami, pag may sakit ang isa yung isa din magkakasakit, parang ganun. Ano kaya yun?

Ano pa ba? Marami pa. Wag mo tutuluan ng luha ang patay at babalik siya, wag ka magwawalis sa gabi at lalabas ang swerte. Yan at marami pang iba. Ano nga pala ang mawawala pag naniwala ka? Siyempre, ang pagtitiwala at pananampalataya mo sa Diyos na tanging nakakaalam ng lahat sa iyong kinabukasan. Ibig bang sabihin pag nagwalis ako sa gabi eh, hindi na ako pwedeng pagpalain ni Lord?

Mapalad ako at ako ay Kristiyano at alam ko na ngayon kung ano ang pwede kong ituro sa magiging anak ko. Walang kahulugan ang pamahiin, kaya lang siguro nangyayari ang sinasabi mong “malas” ay dahil yun ang iniisip mo, kaya ibinibigay sayo. Dahil wala kang TIWALA.

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Nakakatawang Nakakainis…

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kaya ko nakaka-attract ng mga kulangot. Hahaha, este taong nangungulangot sa public place. Like, kanina, sumakay ako ng bus. Hay si Tatang more kulangot. Tapos sumisinga pa, siguro to get out some goo from his nose.

Hay, I mean have some decency man lang sana na gawin yun pag nasa CR or nasa bahay man lang di ba?

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Last night, ang topic namin ni hubby ay tungkol sa pulitika. Election 2010 is fast approaching at its all about election that is shown on TV. So naturally, dun napunta usapan. So, we were talking about ____(a presidentiable), about his apparent “schemes” and stuff and his wealth.

Me: Hay nako, nakakatawa pulitika dito parang circus lang. Wala naman talagang maipakita na magawa pag nakaupo na.

Hubby: Si _____, I feel na may mali sa kaniya ( he used a more offensive term that I don’t want to put here), sabi niya di ba hindi daw siya naniniwala hindi kaya ng presidente na payamanin ang mga Pilipino. Eh parang mali yun di ba, kasi may dahilan naman talaga bakit may mayaman at mahirap e.

Me: well, you have a point pero I think he’s more (adjective na offensive) is because ipinapangako niya ang isang bagay na hindi naman kaniya. He can’t promise people riches na hindi naman kaniya and he can’t claim to be a saviour.

Hubby: Oo nga, tulad niyang _____ na yan, para siyang isda. Maganda, fresh at mapula kasi nakatapat sa ilaw pero yun pala pag binuksan mo ang hasang maputla na.

Me: (Laughing) Galing naman ng analogy ng Kit kit ko na ito! Iboto! Iboto! Iboto!

Hubby: hehehe.

Labo no. Pero come to think of it. Totoo naman, not only for Villar but for almost all politicians as well, kahit nga sa school di ba. Pag start ng school year pasikat ka, kasi botohon ng class officer, pero pag nandun na at ikaw na ang muse (hehehe) wala ka naman gagawin.

My husband will vote for Bro. Eddie Villanueva. He said he want to try out to have a Christian president. I am ok with it, I am a Christian but I explained to Him that I do not believe that the president can save the Philippines. It is only when the Filipinos start to believe in Christ that things will be better. Hindi kaya ng pangulo na payamanin lahat ng Pilipino!

Labo na naman ng entry na to, pero sana may napulot naman kayo.

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Re-assessing…

…my self and my goals…

Oh wait! I haven’t really made any goals. I dreamt. Goals are dreams with deadline. Mine does not have a deadline so it is not a goal.

Start of 2010 I wrote a few supposedly goals (yup, with deadlines) but the first quarter’s over and I haven’t achieved even one.

It makes me cringe that I have not lifted my ass up this mess. Still in my hated job, loosed life. That is why I was reacting that way in my last post. I kinda do not know in what place am I in.

When you’re turning 26, and starting a hopefully another quarter of existence, you dream for a better life. Life with kids, established business and nice house and when you know that you are nowhere close to them, you want to stop dreaming. Hey wake up!

And I am awake now. I realized that I have to stop dreaming and start making hard core goals. Be focused on what I want and get my a** of the seat of comfort that I am in. Stop whining and start taking calculated risk.

Now, I have to continue the project that I have put off for 2 years (imagine how long I have had this “goal”). Also, lose weight to prepare for my baby. Yey!

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Christianity and The Law of Attraction

The title is pretty much contradicting eh?

Law of Attraction is kind of a New Age thing and of course Christianity is faith in the One and Only God.

As a Christian, I sort of practice a sort of Law of Attraction thing in my life. But I wouldn’t really call it that. In my other blog, I write about making money, acquiring wealth and all those stuff. I’d like to say that I don’t really believe in the “law” of Rhonda Byrnes but I would like to cross-reference my faith with what the book says (yup, I read the book and watched the video). Some may say that I am justifying the “belief in the law”, but believe me I am not.

I believe that as a daughter of God, I have the rights to the riches that He has. I know that He allocated some of the wealth for me since I was born. He said that He plans to prosper me (Jeremiah 29:11) and to be prosperous, I believe will please God. It means that I am working hard for my family, to help the needy and in turn will attract nonbelievers to my way of life.

I believe that God gave us the key to an abundant life. I don’t know what book I read it from, but think of this analogy : You were given by an unknown benefactor a brand new Ferrari, You’re ecstatic because you’ve been longing to replace your bicycle as a mode of transportation. So yeah, you have a Ferrari! But then one day, you’re friend calls you, you excitedly tells him you have a Ferrari but when He asks you, “so, how does it run?”. You answer, “I don’t know, I’m scared it won’t start so I just kept it in the garage! What if it does not work?” Pretty stupid huh? God has given us the key to His abundance, but sometimes our fear and distrust get ahead of us that we can’t even manage to put the keys He gave to the doorknob of His promises!

I also believe that we have to excel in everything that we do for the Lord is an excellent God. So, if we excel, the natural inclination is we get rich.

Why not believe that He is a God of possibilities? That He can lift you up in your circumstance and make His power known to people? We can get rich

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I Am Angry

Wahhh…angry or scared.Not sure yet. Hay…. My husband might blame me for moving if this doesn’t stop. I don’t know, when I got home there are 2 dead rats in front of our house, or window. Who would do that? Were new in the neighborhood, well, yeah, technically not because my family lives in this subdivision for about 8 years now. I was thinking of sabotage or there might be some people who were pretty mad or envious of us or how we live. Hay. I just pray this stops because I know that if Jojo sees it he’ll be mad and blame me for deciding on moving here.

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Embraced By God

July 24,2009- we went to the 25th anniversary celebration of Victory Christian Fellowship in Araneta and boy, God was sure present there. I was with Charmaine, my sister (please post the pics!) and we had a blast! Also, I was very happy to see my friends in VCF Alabang growing in their faith with God. Yeah! You are so good!

July 25,2009- went to Dad’s place in Laguna because I was hoping to look at some apartments there where we could move and to also see my grandmother. I would really want to talk to her or just see her. See, she is 84, papansin na… Hehehe…I know sPicRY3he misses me, though I know when she sees me, she will just insult me and stuff. Hahaha…But what a Christian should do? Of course, just shrug it off! I felt convicted throughout the years that I became a Christian that I should show everyone that I have changed, that God changed me. One way of doing that is mustering to be patient with my old grandma.

Rewind 2001. I was really a rebel. I was thinking, I was a rebel for a cause, I want to tell them I have every rights to live as I please it and they have to shut their mouth up about me. I shout at them (at her), I drink, I curse. Name it, I’ve done it (pwera lang drugs promise!). But as God slowly touch my heart, I begin to realize that I wasn’t really reblling for a cause, I was just ruining my life and showing people they were right about me.

Fast forward, 2009. Got married to a great man, getting strong in God, I realized that I need to be really patient. It’s not enough that I could recite Bible verses and evangelize to other people when my family, my own family, see me differently. I couldn’t be impatient anymore, I couldn’t be not understanding , most of all I couldn’t be disrespectful. I felt God is working in my heart. As I feel that I have this daunting task of witnessing to the people close to me to break the curse in our clan. I know it will never be easy because we were raised not to show our emotions, to be always angry and doubtful with each other. But you see, someone has to start. And I know that God is putting that burden in my heart.

I am happy, that I know “GOD is ahead of me touching people’s heart” (from Ptr Michael VCF-QC.) And I know that as I let God heal me, touch me, and make me forgive others, He is also doing that to the rest of my family. And in time, I will be ready to witness to them and will be able to show them how God radically changed my heart towards His.

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Life Lessons from Cashflow 101

This morning I went to Ortigas with my brother-in-law’s wife to play Cashflow with the Create Abundance community. Well, I was already expecting so much about this game and we have been procrastinating for a long time. For those who don’t know Cashflow is the game that Robert Kiyosaki, who wrote the best-selling book “Rich Dad Poor Dad”, invented. It teaches all about financial literacy, meaning, learning to invest and how to handle finances, learning to take calculated risk in a simulated environment. If you know Monopoly, It is more of that kind except this has more rules and more real-life. So if you want to know more, you might want to visit the community’s website www.ca2020.ning.com.

On the way to Ortigas I kept asking Dred, cashflowif there is a dress code. Because we were both wearing jeans and from my experience those kind of gathering requires that we wear some sort of a business attire but she said it is not needed since her Coach didn’t tell her.Okay, so we went in jeans. I was quite surprise to see a lot of people…wearing business attire! Well, they didn’t made us feel off so that is really okay. What really amazed me is that there at a lot of people, we filled the place and there are many tables for playing. Fun! So okay, we met our moderator, Coach Abbie and Coach Jerson and they introduced us to the rules of the game and to each other and…YAY! We were handed a balance sheet. Uh-oh! I was kinda expecting this because I read so much about the board game but seeing it in front of you made me quiver. I hate Math! I abhor Math! More so accounting! But hey, Coaches were encouraging so we started playing. We started about 9:30am and they said it would end about 12:30. Okay long 3 hours, right? Wrong. The time was not enough. When Coach was saying that we only have 5 minutes left we were saying “oh my!” Kinda saying “bitin”. Yes, believe it or not 3 hours was not enough. You want to play more, learn more and that is how exactly we felt. The game is exciting and the people in our group are very accommodating and fun. You may want to join us next time. Just email me or join the community just tell them I invited you.(My name is Clarissa Centeno)

Okay, so what did I learn? I might also be sharing what the others shared after the game.

1. I got so excited because I was getting the hang of doing calculated risk. You see, I made a big loan from the bank just to purchase this business which in fairness has high yield and ROI. So I really calculated (congratulate me!) and found out that even with loan payments and all I’ll still me making $550.00 as cashflow. Coolness. In real life most of us were taught not to take out loans for anything, and as we grow older we were forced to take out loans (from credit cards, 5-6) just so we can make ends meet. But in here, we were being coached to make loans to make more money. You see, borrow someone else’s money but make sure that even while paying that loan, you still get something out of it, cash flow, so you don’t have to borrow during emergency.

2. Saving is losing. Yup, you’re right. I was warned that most people will react negatively if I say it in public. Because what is our idea of becoming rich? Saving enough until we can buy what we want. But, if you play the game, you will learn that no matter how much money you have in your hands, you’re still not rich because the only way to become truly rich is to have passive income (income that you get even if you stop working) that is more than your monthly expenses. So you really have to invest, to make that money work for you or you’ll end up being left in the rat race.

3. Dreams are free but living your dream is expensive. But hey, that is the difference between poor, middle and rich class, the poor dreams small and the rich dreams big. So they get big. See the picture? Also, it is notable from RDPD books that the poor’s mindset always says “I can’t afford that” but the rich mindset asks ” how can I afford that?” The latter, meaning you’re making your brain work and think of possible ways of getting rich.

4. Passive income is the key. Yes, again, passive income are income that you get even without having to go to work. This will come from big businesses, and real estate investments. As you may have noticed, the rich are the people playing golf on a weekday, they dine at the most expensive restaurants during times that most of us work. Because they have passive income.

5. Leverage. Using other people’s money to generate income for yourself. In the game, you can get Small Deal Cards that contains Stock information of certain companies (fiction) and then it says, ” Only you may buy”, so the technique is to ask your co-players to get shares in that stock and since you have the information, you can ask for something in return like a cut from their dividend or profit once they sell or make a profit at hand.

6. Buy low sell high. Obviously. But we were also taught to buy at large quantity because you will not feel the profit if it’s just $2 right?

7. It’s not how much money you make it is how much you keep and how hard that money is working for you. My character in the game is a doctor. And at first we taught that was great because my salary is above all of them. But there was a downside, I had more expenses than most of the players as well. Notice the similarity in real-life. Don’t we all wonder why is it that when we have 8,000/month income it was enough but when our income ballooned to 15,000 it is still the same though there is 7,000 difference? Yes, because as our salaries go up our expenses and the cost of living that we set becomes higher as well. Instant gratification. So after the game, I joked “hmmm… Ayoko na mag-work” Hehehe.

So there. I also have some few lessons learned that are not from the board game but from the people in the community. After the game Coach Patrick Esmundo came at our table and asked us how we did. And then he imparted some invaluable life and financial lessons. He said that the path to becoming rich is not easy. A lot of people will surely contradict you in a way, sometimes even your family, so it is better if you surround yourself with people of the right mind so you can keep the desires burning. He’s not saying to leave them, but just know where the boundaries are in listening to them. After all, it is you who will make the decision. Also, he said leave your past failures in the past, don’t let it hinder you future. And also, I think, the people there are dreaming big, so they are reaching big things. And me too I dream big and I pray that I will be able to reach those dreams! Thanks CA2020 community!

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Putting My Faith in Christ

My sister, Charm, always text me during Sunday to tell me what topic they had at church and how our dear pastors there interpreted and explained it. Then she will text me some verses. This has been going on since I moved here in Rizal because I now rarely go to church or go to a different church, it is not that the church I go to now is not Christian but I just really miss my home church. So she opened up like this. ” te, ang ganda ng topic ngayon, it’s for the people who think they have faith but really don’t”. I replied “ouch! that hurts!” Then she said, “ouch talaga!”

So it was all about us being Christian but sometimes we don’t know that we’re putting our faith in our faith and not to Jesus Christ. That we tend to just hear what we want to hear from church than listen to the true and sound doctrine. Well, yeah, I think it really got me. LIke now, I rarely go to church because I miss the feeling of being in VCF Alabang. Which I know is bad. Hmmm… What else? Then she told me about God revealing to us things yet we don’t obey. Ouch! And then we are just claiming His promises but really we’re not putting any effort to it. Yeah… Like what are those I ask her. Then she told me, ” I know you know what those are. It’s really up to you to discern.” Then I came to realize a lot of things. Some petty things actually in my point of view but I am not doing anything about because I didn’t thuink God really cares for all of that. But then I suddenly remembered that God is really after our everything. He wants us as living sacrifice! ( Romans 12:1-2) So it means I really have to surrender everything to Him. Not just my prayer time, my family life but everything. As I come to think of it, God made a lot of promises to me, showed me how I can get them but still I didn’t do it. Then I prayed and here are what He told me.

He promised me I will have a child. – but I have PCOS, my OB told me I need to lose weight or it will really be hard for me to conceive. So what’s in it? I never tried to get rid of my addiction to wrong food ( which is by the way can be considered idolatry because I can’t stop it), never tried to exercise or do anything to make my womb “conceivable”. As my good friend Ganns, always joke in his blog, “our body is the temple of the Holy Sprit not the Mall of Asia”. And my doctor also told me that I really need to prepare before I get pregnant because with the weight I have right now, there’s a high risk for me to have high blood pressure when I labor.
I will be rich (or at least will be able to live a comfortable life)- but sometimes I forget to tithe. HOw can he pour out the blessings when I don’t sow sparingly? In Malachi 3:10, he promised He will pour out blessings so much we won’t have enough room for it but he has a condition, give your first 10 percent. Well, I am failing in that so that answers my question.
I will live a peaceful life- but I always indulge in chatting and whining about things that are not what He wants to hear. in 2 Timothy 2:16 it said , “Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.” and 2 timothy 2:14 “Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen.” Most of the time I do this, to be honest, talk about things that are of no value, whine about my job, talk about Errol (my colleague), or anyone at that.
So these are just some of the things that I do which I didn’t realize is hindering God from using me. Of course, I understand that God wants to bless me but with these attitudes why would He take the risk. If He makes me rich now that I am not in the proper mindset it might ruin me right? I though about it, I prayed about it and He told me:

Hebrews 12:2
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

It is really great to feel that God is talking to you. Well, throughout my life, I have wandered and wasted a great deal of my time and life yet He always call me not letting me go. Now I just have to grab my Bible and talk to Him again He might have some more revelations.

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