Saved by Grace

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Resurrecting an Old Yet New Blog

The title of this article means that I am getting back to blogging about my faith. Well, this is still me, but with different view. I may have ranted in my past posts, and I may still rant a bit, but now, I have a better goal for this blog.

To share the Good News of Christ and to tell everyone about the adventure and hope that He offers to everyone.

I’ve been blogging for some years now. But mostly, I do it for money. Now, I know I need to use what I have learned to spread the Truth, to tell everyone about my faith and what God has been doing in my life.

Again, this is a Christian blog, and if you are just going to bash me because of my faith, then please leave. I will only write what I believe in and I will not be apologetic if I hurt someone in the process. I am not against people, but I would speak and write about sin the way they should be conveyed.

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Being Out of Control

This past few days, God is really showing Himself to me. And like Jacob in this article, I am now in my weaker state. You see, I know that for Jacob it is his physical strength but for me it is my finances. I am strong when I have, I am weak when I have none. And now, He is showing Himself to me, and wants my dependence and surrender. When it comes to finances, it is very hard for me to ask for help. It is better for me to “utang” than ask someone to help me out. I was raised that way. I am not a good receiver. When someone give me something I try to my best of ability to give something back. God is showing me to change that. There are times that people want to be blessed that is why they are helping me. And I wouldn’t allow it. God is asking me to ask for help, for His help most especially in this area of my life. It has been a great struggle for me most especially with finances. This is one area that I find it hard to obey Him (tithing anyone?). And this article has really touched me today. As God touched my “hip bone” and destroyed my control.

Jacob’s Defining Moment
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2 by Os Hillman
Wednesday, June 09 2010

“So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared'” (Gen 32:30).

Every believer in Jesus Christ must have a defining moment in their lives. Jacob is about to meet his brother Esau in the desert after years of separation. The last time he saw him was when he manipulated the birthright from him years ago. He assumes Esau is going to try to kill him. He sends gifts ahead as a peace offering. And he spends a restless night in prayer asking God to spare his and his family’s life.

Jacob has lived a life of control and manipulation. Yet, there is something in Jacob God finds worthy of redemption. He has a heart that genuinely wants to serve and be used of God. But God must do something in him to chisel away the bad traits in his life.

He sends an angel in the form of a man to wrestle away the striving in Jacob. The only way to remove the striving in Jacob is to injure his physical abilities. “When the angel saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man'” (Gen 32:25-26). Jacob’s natural abilities were so great that God literally had to make Jacob a weaker man physically in order for God’s power to be manifested in his life. When this happened a turning point took place in Jacob. A new nature was birthed in him that required a total trust in God. His name was changed in recognition of this defining moment. “Then the man said, ‘Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome'” (Gen 32:28).

My friend Bob Mumford once said, “Beware of any Christian leader who does not walk with a limp.” If a leader has not wrestled with God over their natural abilities and come to a place of total dependence on God, that leader will live a life of striving and manipulation.

Let go and let God do the work needed in you. When this happens even your enemies will be a peace with you.

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Had a great conversation with God. I know that I have estranged Him and put Him behind me. I know that I know I believe Him yet I put him in the backstage of my life. Calling Him only when I need Him. Praying to Him only when able, which means that only when I need something from Him. It is easy to spend time with someone if you like something from him, ayt? And that was how I treated Him this past few months. Backstage.

I have had enough. I am a rotten person inside. Although a lot of people see that I am a happy, bubbly person, I have an empty heart. Yes, I do love, but I cannot love fully, because my heart is empty. How can an empty heart ever love somebody enough. My marriage in near- perfect. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, and I am very grateful for him. Yet, you know how the Ten Commandments work right? The First Commandment says, “Love God above all” and if you don’t do that, your life will never be in order to follow all the other 9. I say that because I know. I have struggled, won and struggled again in my entire Christian life just because I haven’t fully surrendered. I always though about myself. I have been a Christian for what, 6 years — yet if a graph will be used to look at my state of “Christian-ness”, it will be a never-ending up, down cycle. One time I will be on fire to love the Lord, and sometime I will forget all about Him. It is difficult for us to admit that we are rotten, that our life is a blur. But when the day comes that you have to face God (even metaphorically), you will just be crying your heart out because you know that in front of Him you are a disobedient, foolish, hypocrite, rebellious daughter of the Father. And that is what happened just 10 minutes ago.

I had been listening to Chris Tomlin’s album, and I heard about the song “The Way I Was Made”. It was a pretty fast song but it made me cry. Because I realized that I am that person. Here’s the lyrics so you can relate. :

Caught in the half-light, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tied up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

I am caught in the half-light, alone. Yup. I am a married woman who do not know her purpose. I wake up do some things, go to sleep and that is it. Nothing really productive. I sometimes feel that I want to exchange my life to the life of some people, who are rich, beautiful and mother (yes, I am so frustrated that I don’t have a baby yet). But 10 minutes ago, I realized that I cannot exchange the life I have right now to someone else. I prayed. And God told me to trade my life to the life that He wanted and want me to have. Trade my plans, trade my vices, trade my attitude, trade my broken life, trade myself for what He want me to be. He loves me so much He can’t let go of me. He can’t let some worldly situation wreck me. I know that I am precious to Him. So, I obeyed. I prayed to trade my life in exchange for the life that He wants me to have. If He doesn’t want me to be a mother then so be it, if He wants me to be a call center agent forever then so be it. It might not be what I want, but I felt in my heart that I need to surrender my likes and dislikes and obey Him. I should stop thinking of the outcome of my obedience I just have to obey. I told Him I can’t keep destroying myself, I need someone to repair me. Repair everything about me. I can’t look around every time and compare my life with someone else. I can’t keep on checking out others blessing and pray that they will be mine too.

Upon praying that prayer of surrender, God assured me that I am so precious to Him to ever let this pain remain in my heart. I am too precious to not be a mother. I am just too precious for Him. And it is like He is saying that ” I have been waiting for you to say that to me, that is all I need to hear”. I am so excited to fulfill God’s dreams for me. Oh Father you are really indescribable. You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same. Oh Amazing God!


Of Disappointments…

Today, I am very much unhappy. This past few days a lot of things happened that went against my plans and expectations. I became so disappointed with people, of circumstances and of myself. See, I am really trying hard to change my life for the better but people are trying to destroy me. They say I couldn’t change and I am and will always be the same person I was. What to do when that happens? Believe me I am trying very hard to reverse that belief that people impose upon me.

I think that everything is up to what I believe I am not what people think I am. Also, I would like to think that I have an audience of One and that God already forgave me and gave me chance to change. I resolve to make sure that I only depend on my Heavenly Father and disregard people’s notion of me. I resolve to stop defending myself, saying bad things about people in the process. Like what God charged me at the start of this year, I should be a living testimony of His love.

Then I also thought of the disappointment that I am giving Him. The things I did and still doing and I realized that I have caused Him so much grief. And I realized that I need to depend on Him even more because if He has forgiven me many times, I can be assured that He won’t disappoint me, He will still love me and care for me.

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Nung mamatay ang bayaw ng lola ko, I went to the burol naturally. Then, siyempre, because I am still childless after years of marriage, natural ang pangigigil ko sa bata. Nakatuwaan ko yung anak ng pinsan ko na baby girl. Sabi nang Tita ko na may buhat sa kaniya, “Oi, rissa lawayan mo.” Sabi ko, ayoko nga di naman yun totoo eh. All the while looking at my sister who is also a Christian. Tapos umalis ako at pumasok sa loob ng bahay kung san nandon si Lolo. Mula nung kinatuwaan ko yung bata, eh hindi na tumigil ng iyak. So, tinawag ako ng tita ko, “sabi ko sayo lawayan mo eh, yan nabalis.” Ako naman ayoko pa rin. Pero sabi ng kapatid ko, “lawayan mo na ‘te, hindi kasi Christian yung bata eh.” Yun, sige defeated nilawayan ko and I prayed silently. Tapos tumigil na ng iyak yung bata.

Hmmmm…pamahiin, balis. Ano nga ba ang totoo? Sabi ng kaibigan ko wala namang mawawala kung maniwala, sabi ko, meron, ang tiwala mo kay God. Pero pano nga yung ganung sitwasyon no?

Naalala ko tuloy, yung panganay na kapatid ng asawa ko ay namatay nung sanggol pa, sabi ng biyenan ko e dahil daw sa balis din. Kasi daw may bumating 2 babae mga 4pm, tas simula non suka ng suka. Pero nung ipatinging sa doktor wala naman daw sakit. Tas pinahanap nila yung 2 babae para malawayan. Pero siyempre wala na sila. Ayun 4pm the next day nawala na rin ang bata.

Ano -ano pa bang pamahiin ang alam natin, ay ano-ano ang ibig sabihin. Ano bang pamahiin ang kinatatakutan ng ilan?

ITIM NA PUSA – sabi nila pag nakasalubong ka ng itim na pusa, bumalik ka na lang sa bahay mo dahil may mangyayaring masama sa yo sa daan. Malas daw ang itim na pusa. Eh paano kung tumama ka sa lotto at kukunin mo na ang pera eh may nasalubong kang itim na pusa, hindi ka na tutuloy para sa pera?

PULANG HUGIS UNAN, SINULID SA NOO at BLACK AND RED BEADED BRACELET para sa bata- kontra usog daw. At ang sinulid sa noo eh para mawala ang sinok. Paano kung kunin ng bata ang sinulid sa noo at kainin?

SUKOB- controversial to samin ngayon. Pag sa isang pamilya daw eh may kinasal ng sabay sa loob ng isang taon eh, mamalasin daw o magpapligsahan ang dalawang mag-asawa na ikinasal sa taong yun. Dapat kasi nung 2008, nung kinasal kami, naisip din ng kuya ng asawa ko magpakasal sila late that year. Ayaw ng biyenan ko. Magpapligsahan daw kami, pag may sakit ang isa yung isa din magkakasakit, parang ganun. Ano kaya yun?

Ano pa ba? Marami pa. Wag mo tutuluan ng luha ang patay at babalik siya, wag ka magwawalis sa gabi at lalabas ang swerte. Yan at marami pang iba. Ano nga pala ang mawawala pag naniwala ka? Siyempre, ang pagtitiwala at pananampalataya mo sa Diyos na tanging nakakaalam ng lahat sa iyong kinabukasan. Ibig bang sabihin pag nagwalis ako sa gabi eh, hindi na ako pwedeng pagpalain ni Lord?

Mapalad ako at ako ay Kristiyano at alam ko na ngayon kung ano ang pwede kong ituro sa magiging anak ko. Walang kahulugan ang pamahiin, kaya lang siguro nangyayari ang sinasabi mong “malas” ay dahil yun ang iniisip mo, kaya ibinibigay sayo. Dahil wala kang TIWALA.

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I’m 26!!!

…excited about it…

Yup, yesterday was my birthday. I turned 26. A lot of things spun in my mind, and boy, that made me forget that it was a big day, supposedly. I was thinking about business, work, marriage and all the other stuff. I texted my friend Irish about something about business and I completely forgot it was my birthday!

Hmmm…day 2 of the 2nd quarter of my life and I am still confused and thinking of a lot of things. I feel so disappointed about myself because I am still like this. I work for a job I don’t like, still rent an apartment and can’t decide on what to do. Although there are a lot of things I could be grateful for like my wonderful husband, I still can’t help worrying about out future. No savings, no steady and fulfilling career, nothing! And no one to hang on to.

But thinking about it makes me also think that this is God’s way of keeping me at bay. I should just learn to trust Him and not other people. I should just look for the things that are positive and be always hopeful.

I love my God and I know that He loves me no matter how doubtful and ingrate I am. I just have to re-attach myself to my Vine and hope that I will grow.

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Nakakatawang Nakakainis…

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kaya ko nakaka-attract ng mga kulangot. Hahaha, este taong nangungulangot sa public place. Like, kanina, sumakay ako ng bus. Hay si Tatang more kulangot. Tapos sumisinga pa, siguro to get out some goo from his nose.

Hay, I mean have some decency man lang sana na gawin yun pag nasa CR or nasa bahay man lang di ba?


Last night, ang topic namin ni hubby ay tungkol sa pulitika. Election 2010 is fast approaching at its all about election that is shown on TV. So naturally, dun napunta usapan. So, we were talking about ____(a presidentiable), about his apparent “schemes” and stuff and his wealth.

Me: Hay nako, nakakatawa pulitika dito parang circus lang. Wala naman talagang maipakita na magawa pag nakaupo na.

Hubby: Si _____, I feel na may mali sa kaniya ( he used a more offensive term that I don’t want to put here), sabi niya di ba hindi daw siya naniniwala hindi kaya ng presidente na payamanin ang mga Pilipino. Eh parang mali yun di ba, kasi may dahilan naman talaga bakit may mayaman at mahirap e.

Me: well, you have a point pero I think he’s more (adjective na offensive) is because ipinapangako niya ang isang bagay na hindi naman kaniya. He can’t promise people riches na hindi naman kaniya and he can’t claim to be a saviour.

Hubby: Oo nga, tulad niyang _____ na yan, para siyang isda. Maganda, fresh at mapula kasi nakatapat sa ilaw pero yun pala pag binuksan mo ang hasang maputla na.

Me: (Laughing) Galing naman ng analogy ng Kit kit ko na ito! Iboto! Iboto! Iboto!

Hubby: hehehe.

Labo no. Pero come to think of it. Totoo naman, not only for Villar but for almost all politicians as well, kahit nga sa school di ba. Pag start ng school year pasikat ka, kasi botohon ng class officer, pero pag nandun na at ikaw na ang muse (hehehe) wala ka naman gagawin.

My husband will vote for Bro. Eddie Villanueva. He said he want to try out to have a Christian president. I am ok with it, I am a Christian but I explained to Him that I do not believe that the president can save the Philippines. It is only when the Filipinos start to believe in Christ that things will be better. Hindi kaya ng pangulo na payamanin lahat ng Pilipino!

Labo na naman ng entry na to, pero sana may napulot naman kayo.

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…my self and my goals…

Oh wait! I haven’t really made any goals. I dreamt. Goals are dreams with deadline. Mine does not have a deadline so it is not a goal.

Start of 2010 I wrote a few supposedly goals (yup, with deadlines) but the first quarter’s over and I haven’t achieved even one.

It makes me cringe that I have not lifted my ass up this mess. Still in my hated job, loosed life. That is why I was reacting that way in my last post. I kinda do not know in what place am I in.

When you’re turning 26, and starting a hopefully another quarter of existence, you dream for a better life. Life with kids, established business and nice house and when you know that you are nowhere close to them, you want to stop dreaming. Hey wake up!

And I am awake now. I realized that I have to stop dreaming and start making hard core goals. Be focused on what I want and get my a** of the seat of comfort that I am in. Stop whining and start taking calculated risk.

Now, I have to continue the project that I have put off for 2 years (imagine how long I have had this “goal”). Also, lose weight to prepare for my baby. Yey!

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Paano ba Malito?

Ganito ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang walang direksiyon ang buhay ko. Wala akong mabigat na problema, yun ang mas mabigat. Kasi wala naman akong problema pero depressed ako. Ang alam ko lang meron akong ginagawa na hindi ko na gusto, pero pag binitawan ko eh maaring magulo ang buhay ko. Hindi ko alam kung takot ba akong bitawan to at ang lahat ng kaginhawaang dala nito o kaya ko bang bitawan ito, magsakripisoyo ngayon at maging tunay na masaya sa hinaharap?

26 na ako ilang araw na lang. Pero natatakot ako dahil wala pa rin akong nararting na masasabi ko na nagustuhan ko o pinaghirapan ko. Oo, masaya ang aking pamilya. Masaya kaming mag-asawa, sobra-sobra na yun dapat. Pero meron akong hinahanap. Anak. Tagumpay. Ewan.

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Not Normal

Had a conversation with a friend. And maybe she doesn’t know that I am now a Christian, we have not seen each other for years. So well, she was recalling our escapades when we were younger and I crinched on the idea of me doing it at present. You see, so many things have changed about me. Aside from the fact that I am now a married woman, I am also a Christian, and I should say I am trying to live up to that name (not implying that I am perfect now), but things just feel different for me now.

My visions, dreams and attitude now is way way way different then. My friend was surprised that I said all things about what is right according to the Bible. She was most surprised when I advised her about not having premarital s**. She knew what I went through when I was still different. She knew how liberated I was when it comes to things like that. It was like her to say ” Parang di mo naman ginawa dati yun o!”. She have the right to say that, because she know what I did in the past. The only answer I managed to give her was that that is exactly the reason I am advising her against it. Because I already know. I already know how much emotional hurt that will bring you, especially once you marry the man for you. You’ll be so sorry that you wasted all those years all those pleasure to a guy that dumped you after getting what he wants from you. You’ll be so sorry that you couldn’t give yourself “whole” to the person whom God has given you. You’ll be so sorry.

I told her I am just blessed that I married a great man who understood (and mind you, he was a virgin when we met, he was 29) and a God who forgave me.

It’s just so not normal to be a virgin anymore. Especially in the industry where I work. What normal now is premarital s**, extramarital affairs and casual s**. It’s not so normal to preserve yourself until wedding bells.


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